Here are a few verbal indicators of inner powerlessness:

1. Saying "Yes" when you mean "No"

2. Being unclear or too general (e.g. "Every time I…you…" or "You always…")

3. Apologizing inappropriately and unnecessarily (e.g. "I'm sorry, but I…).

4. Using phrases that invite the person to say no. (e.g. "If it wouldn't be too much trouble…" or "Would you mind …?").

5. Using disclaimers (e.g. "I may be wrong, but…").

6. Using defensive phrases (e.g. "In my defense, I'd like to say….).

7. Belittling oneself (e.g. "I'm only… or "I can't, I'm too…").

8. Undervaluing one's abilities (e.g. "Oh, I didn't do anything" or "It's not a big deal".).

Although this kind of language makes you seem like a "nice' or "sweet' or "unselfish" person, it also means that you are not listened to, your views/needs are not expressed and not respected, others put unreasonable demands on you, and you have less significance in the relationship. And once you've allowed yourself to be the push-over it can be difficult to change the pattern of that relationship.

If you want the people you date to respect you, you must muster your courage and speak in a more assertive manner. Easy said than done, right? Starting to be assertive can be a scary thing and sometimes it's hard to believe you can actually become assertive in your interactions. The easiest place to start is in situations that are not so threatening.

Here are a few assertive tips that you may want to start incorporating into your everyday verbal communication:

1. Make sure your body reflects confidence: stand up straight, look people in the eye, and relax.

2. Use a firm, but pleasant, tone.

3. Express ownership of your thoughts, feeling, and opinions (e.g. "I like", "I want", "I don't like", "I believe")

4. Make clear, direct, requests (e.g. "I would like to...")

5. Use cooperative phrases (e.g. "What are your thoughts on this?")

6. Use thinking it over phrases (e.g. "I would like to think it over and I will let you know my decision by…")

7. Don't look for external validations (e.g. "I have a different opinion, I think that...")

8. Refuse a request without feeling guilty (e.g. "I'm sorry I can't but I could", "I won't do x and y for you, but I'd be happy to...")

9. Accept compliments (e.g. "Thank you", "It was my pleasure", "I'm happy I was able to help")

10. Make an attempt to stand up for something important (a philosophy/ideology, lifestyle, passion, hobby, spiritual stand etc.)

Once you become comfortable with using assertive language in less threatening situations, you can start using it in your dates and relationships and use it all the time. As you begin to believe in yourself, you will become less socially anxious and people will start to treat you as worthwhile person, worthy of their respect.

The focus of Assertive Dating is to balance relationships, not control them; to gain esteem from oneself, not approval from others; to possess "power to," not "power over.

See also

Assertive Dating - How Not To Act Like A Loser Every Time

Assertive Dating - How Do You Make Sure You Are Connecting With Your Date?

Assertive Dating - How Do You Ask For A Second Date?

Assertive Dating - How Do You Tell Him Or Her You Want More?