Those affected by a break-up also tend to expect the worst to happen again, either blaming themselves or partners, and living in a state of fear from then on. They often use old partners to judge potential new ones (bad mistake!) and remain unduly bitter and vengeful for years afterwards. It is natural to be hurt by a broken relationship, especially if you did not instigate it. But, if, two or three years post-divorce, the person is still stuck back there, it will waste his life and retard her talent. Negativity simply destroys. It builds nothing. Only positive action achieves what we want. We cannot rebuild our lives, or help any children caught in the conflict to feel good about themselves, if we do not reduce the animosity and blame, especially in our heads, and look ahead to something better. We can never change things in the past. It is low esteem which keeps us back there replaying old events in our minds, and irresponsibly using our children as pawns in the break-up, while our present rattles mockingly past us.

Stuck in the Past

In fact, you can always spot someone who perceives him/herself to have had a raw deal from, or to be the victim of, a broken relationship. They usually recount their negative experiences at every opportunity, becoming more self-righteous in the telling as they gloss over their part in it. They are usually stuck in the past, using it to make judgements on their future while neglecting opportunities and making excuses for their present, especially if life hasn't improved as they hoped. This makes them wary of other relationships, a reaction likely to prompt them toward a series of disastrous short-term ones, that only reinforce their fears, or no relationship at all.

Apparently, this detached approach is supposed to either prevent them being ‘caught' again or to allow them to wait eternally for Ms/Mr Right, depending on their perception of themselves. However, their situation has a way of repeating itself, becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy because, subconsciously, they continue to behave in the same way as before thus repeatedly getting whatever they have always got. Only forgiveness makes them whole, and success and happiness will forever elude those caught in such negativity until they truly forgive themselves - and others, change their approach and perception of potential partners and move on.

Unwittingly caught in this revolving door of low self-esteem, continuous blaming and handy scapegoating - with an ego to match - some men and women even lose the ability to woo someone afresh. Many still cling to old partners after separation, which prevents both parties from moving on to a new life or finding new soulmates. However, the longer they take to get back into stride, to enter a meaningful relationship which reinforces their worth, the longer they are likely to remain single and unhappy. They often become increasingly unattractive in the process, tending to use their fears and tales of woe to bore new interests to death. If this happens around the ages of late thirties to early forties, the time of the mid-life crisis when the need to prove personal appeal becomes strongest, the results can be tragic. At such times, too many become desperate for any relationship - and, as someone once said starkly, 'desperation has no deodorant'!