Attraction is very important in the beginning to bring the couples together, especially this mysterious chemistry which everyone hopes to have. Whether physical, emotional or intellectual, strong attraction has to exist between the couple for the relationship to work. Some people in arranged marriages might learn to love their partner over time and find them appealing. But in Westernised societies, falling in love through attraction is the crucial enabler of all relationships. Physical attraction plays a key role at the selection/dating stage and beyond because it fuels communication. That is why as soon as attraction goes the partners lose interest in each other. Sadly, that attraction can never be regained because communication follows soon after, though other factors (like emotional and intellectual needs) might come into play to keep the parties attached.

Communication
is very important to sustain a relationship. The first sign of trouble between a couple is an absence of dialogue or general communication. One person might freeze up through hurt or anger, and the other through resentment, at a particular behaviour. Once someone stops expressing their feelings, their hurt, their joys or pain to their partner, they will either get bloated with resentment or they will find another person to communicate with. Communication with others validates who we are and reinforces whom we wish to be. Regardless of the cause, if communication is not maintained, failure in the third element, respect, is not far behind.

Respect
is the final part of the glue which cements relationships. No two people can exist together in harmony without respect. No one can profess to love another without showing them respect either. Once respect goes, the relationship is doomed, because respect is an essential component of love and demonstrates someone being held in the highest esteem. One cannot have love without respect and what makes respect such a difficult thing to give, and receive, is the six dimensions it has within it.

Six Dimensions of Respect

Respect begins with curiosity, so if you are no longer curious about your partner and have little interest in her/him, the loss of respect has started. Second is attention. If you are taking your attention outside and giving it to someone else, the respect has gone for your partner because attention leads to dialogue and, in the absence of such communication, there won't be attention. Next comes the most crucial part of respect: sensitivity. If you are no longer sensitive to your partner's needs, there's no respect. We cannot say we respect someone when we have little sensitivity to how they feel because sensitivity personifies respect and gives that person value. When we are sensitive to someone else's needs and feelings we genuinely care about them and respect what they cherish. We believe them to be worthy enough for our love. Showing sensitivity also leads to empowerment of that person through reinforcing them, their aspirations, culture and beliefs. There is nothing more affirming than being treated significantly to show we matter. It's a very powerful form of self-affirmation.

Finally, empowerment leads to healing, especially where there has been past hurt in the relationship. Often in an argument, when negative things are uttered which are not often meant, it can cause prolonged bad feeling. Showing continued respect to a spouse, especially through sensitivity and empowerment, can help to dull the effect of such negative times and heal the wounds caused by them. Healing is important in any relationship because it allows for forgiveness and moving on. It also keeps resentment at bay. No matter how much you believe you 'love' someone, without this essential glue to reinforce that love, the relationship stands no chance.

How strong is the glue that holds your relationship together?
You can test its strength against the attraction you feel for each other now, the communication you share between you daily and, above all, the respect you give to each other routinely on all six dimensions. For example, how much would you rate each element out of 10 as it currently applies to your relationship? Any total under 20 on either side spells trouble ahead or already in place. I guarantee that if you both did it separately and compare notes, you would be in for a huge surprise in perception! However, it would also allow you to take account of any discrepancy between you to begin the remedial process today, instead of ignoring it until it's too late.